A Recipe for Seduction

Oh. My. God. Y’all.

First of all, y’all should know by now that I’m not what you’d consider a “girl” when it comes to my entertainment. Blood, guts, boobs, explosions, fast cars, gun fights, fist fights, kung-fu/karate – this is the list of what exciting things get me going. I can forgive a lot like shitty story, shitty acting, shitty CGI, etc., if I can get a good amount of my list in a flick. I have no idea why rom-coms and dramatic romance movies get any traction with audiences. The stories are just the worst – mostly because a lot of the bulk of the movie could be skipped if folks just talked to one another like human beings, but that’s a rant for another day.

Anyhow, I received an email this morning with a YouTube link that just said, “You have GOT to watch this, CD! I promise, you’ll love it!” First of all, for future reference to all y’all out there, my name is Crystal Dawn. Not Crystal, certainly not CD. Crystal Dawn. Second, I have no idea who sent the email, since it was from an address I didn’t recognize. At this point in my day, I’m starting to suspect it was Mike. Though I’m also not ruling out Doctor Camp, getting his revenge on me for Legally Blonde 2. (I’m pretty sure he returned it without watching it. Boo on you, Doc. Guess what you’re getting for Christmas…) But, I digress.

As usual, when someone sends me a YouTube link, I suspect it’s either something crazy, like people doing stupid things and reaping instant karma, or something cool, like movie trailers or even full  versions of older movies that someone put up for all to enjoy. Unfortunately for me, I need to get a new laptop, since the sound is going out on mine and YouTube auto-captions are…not exactly correct. So, I grabbed my stuff and headed to the viewing room, hoping no one else was using it.

Luck was on my side – a room devoid of people. I hooked my PC up and got settled. Time to see what nifty thing this person was so sure I would love.

What. The. Fuck?

I watched it 3 times. I wasn’t sure what my eyes were witnessing, but it sure was…something. “A Recipe for Seduction” was the title of this experience, a Lifetime original short. It stars Mario Lopez as Colonel Harland Sanders and Justene Alpert as the female lead Jessica Mancera. Sanders is hired by the mom, Bunny (played by Tessa Munro), as the household’s chef, apparently stealing him from some fancy French restaurant. Mom’s trying to marry off Jessica to some douche (Billy Garibaldi III played by Chad Doreck), Jessica’s gay best buddy (Lee, Martin Morrow, who is also the token minority in many ways) is trying to get his date on at the Country Club, and of course, Jessica falls madly in love with Sanders within 2 minutes of meeting.

The best part of this experience is that the whole “film” is about 15 minutes. The worst part of this whole experience, aside from the trope-filled story, stereotypes, and bad acting, is that they left this damned thing open ended. Yes, they left every possibility to have yet another episode. And. AND it was sponsored, if you haven’t figured that out yet, by KFC. The 11 secret herbs and spices are a part of the show as well, sort of. Oh, dear God. I had to share this travesty with someone…

First, I called Mike to give him a load of crap for sending it.

“What?” he barked into the phone. He’s not big on the whole “customer service” thing.

“Thanks for that link to ‘A Recipe for Seduction’ darlin’. That was… different.”

“I didn’t send you that. And you owe me $3.45 for late fees.” And the bastard hung up on me. Well. Fine then. Be that way.

I poked around and found out a few interesting facts. First, this whole thing was conceived in 2018. TWENTY EIGHT TEEN! I have no clue what happened to delay the whole thing so long as to be filmed in the middle of a pandemic, but here we are. How I missed the trailer (yes, it even has a trailer), I’ll never know. But the full film dropped on YouTube by Lifetime on December 13th.

I poked my nose out of the door, but didn’t see anyone wandering through the halls. So I slipped over to the closest door, Baylie’s. She was definitely listening to yet another one of her mysterious tapes, so I had to bang on her door and scream her name like I was the police.

“BAYLIE!!” I screamed, hoping to overcome the noise.

The door opened. “Yes?”

“C’mere!” I grabbed her arm before she could protest and drug her across the hall to the viewing room. “You have GOT to see this,” I urged as I plopped her in a chair and hit play on my PC.

Her eyes betrayed both her confusion and general displeasure at being drug away from her “work,” but I didn’t care. I studied her reaction to this, what I will now refer to as the KFR – Kentucky Fried Romance. When the video was done, I asked for her thoughts.

“Weeellll…” She began. “I’m not sure this was a movie, per se, but it was pretty interesting. It moved really, really fast. I’d have maybe actually liked this if there was at least, like, five more minutes of Jessica and Harland making with the romance. As it is, it’s just an internet curiosity.”

With that, she fled the viewing room. I heard her door shut hard (not slammed, though, which I’m taking as a good sign that she’s not super pissed with me.) I sat and watched it again as I contemplated who else to torture.

Richard came to mind. He’s always looking for something new to bitch about, especially if it ruins his childhood. I wondered if this would count…

Unlike Baylie, Richard answered the door relatively quickly. I’m assuming the slight delay he had was to either put on pants or jump the laundry pile. He willingly followed when I mentioned I had something interesting to show him. 

Again, this is turning out to be an interesting experiment, seeing how each person reacts. I made up my mind that I had to reach out to everyone for this.

“Whaddidya think?” I drawled.

“Whose fucking idea,” he said, “was it to make this piss poor Mini-Fuck-All? Seriously, you just wasted fifteen minutes of my life to make me watch an elementary school production of a high school play?! I have personally been to more Pro-Wrestling shows with better acting that this pile of shit…”

Was KFC now ruined for Richard? Probably not. There’s barely any chicken in the movie. As he left me contemplating the concept of films that look like high school plays  I heard a disembodied voice say, “No. Just…no. I have no thoughts on this waste of the internet; there’s nothing to say about something that’s nothing.”

Well. It seems The Phantom has a strong opinion about not having an opinion. I would have suspected a strong, point-by-point critical analysis of everything that was wrong about this short, but it seems like the KFR is beneath his notice.

This whole time, I’ve contemplated sharing this weirdness with Doctor Camp. It’s the kind of odd, pop culture event he lives for. But I’m still a little salty about Legally Blonde 2. Also, if Mike didn’t send it, that makes it even more likely that Doc did. And I’m still not sure if I should be mad about that.

I popped down the hall and knocked on Belladonna’s door. It swung open a little, and Blair slipped out. She started twining herself around/between my ankles. Reaching down to give her head a little rub, I called out to Bella, but got no answer. She must have gone out. I tried my best to shoo Blair back into her room, but instead she climbed me. Climbed me like a damned tree and perched on my shoulder. She chirped as if to ask, “Where are we headed?” So, with a sigh, I wandered back down into the viewing room.

We settled down into a comfortable position. Well, as comfortable as one can with a cat. I watched the KFR who knows how many more times on a loop. Blair, who at some point moved from my shoulders to my lap, hissed and launched herself out of the room. I guess maybe her human mom was back and she didn’t want to get caught having snuck out. 

I stopped the playback and sighed heavily.

At this point, I was done. The novelty had worn off and the horrid writing was starting to wear me down. Parodies can be loads of fun, but I was starting to get irrationally pissed at the whole thing. I disconnected my pc and headed back into the comfort of my sanctuary. I needed to cleanse my palette with some violence and explosions. But first, I created a new email account and sent the link to Doc, Braappaa, Aoife, and a few annoying trolls.

Is it wrong of me to hope for a part two, soon?

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