The Best Halloween Movie?

I can’t stop staring at that pink disc. That damned pink disc! How could she do this to me? Instead of the animated cats living their rough life that I asked for, I get Reese Witherspoon bungling her way through a law career…and not even the first one! I banged on Crystal Dawn’s door for about 30 minutes, but she just kept turning Roger Rabbit up louder. Ugh.

I really don’t want to watch this. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have an issue with Legally Blond 2. But I do have an issue with watching movies out of order. What kind of wretched person does that? I just had to call Mike.


Mike has the greatest people skills.

I instantly ask why he would do this to me and I swear I could hear his smirk over the phone. I’ve got to do something, and then it hits me. I ask him what the greatest Halloween movie is. He doesn’t even miss a beat.

“Fun Size. If you can sit through 86 torturous minutes of a Nickelodeon produced Halloween comedy starring Victoria Justice and that dipshit from the Verizon commercials, nothing else in the store will ever scare you. Now are you gonna come get this cat movie or what?”

I tell him that I will.

“Three days and then it goes on the shelf” He hangs up.

I quickly praise myself over my quick thinking. I’m gonna get out of watching this movie! I see Baylie walking past my office door. She mainly stays in her room, listening to old audio cassettes that her grandfather left her. That girl has a really weird family. I yell out to her and ask her the question.

“Uhg. I HATE this time of year, and I HATE scary movies. My mom made me watch Last House on the Left with her when I was 4. Nope. No more. But, I do kinda like Hocus Pocus. It’s cute!”

I know her mother, and yeah, that sounds like something she would do. Interesting choice. Most people think of horror for Halloween, but there is some fare outside of that genre for this time of year.

I decide to call Aoife. Yes, that’s his actual name. He’s a professor at the local community college, but dreams of being down here in The Bunker with us. I keep trying to tell him that his dream and the reality of it all is much different, but he really doesn’t listen. As soon as he answers, I ask the question.

“What a great question! Trick ‘r Treat is my answer. It’s four short stories, loosely tied together.  It has the right mix of comedy and horror, and despicable people get theirs in the end..and Sam is a great Halloween spirit! It’s not just a horror movie, it’s a horror movie with Halloween and its old traditions as the central framework.”

I tell him thank you.

“Tell everyone that I say hello and that I hope I can visit soon”

I hang up. I don’t have the heart to tell him that most everyone here just makes fun of his name.

Just as I am about to get up from my desk, the phone rings. It’s Brody…oops, excuse me, Brraapaa. He’s the manager and on air personality (and only employee) for KRAP, the local radio station here. What most people don’t know is that The Bunker is underneath the KRAP transmitter. Brraapaa keeps our secret, and in return we do little odd jobs for him.

“Hey, homie! I just wanted to let you know that someone will be up at the tower tomorrow working on something!”

I tell him thanks and for a moment, there is some indecision. I do it anyway. I ask the question.

“Radio is life! I don’t have time for anything but the station and sleep! But, if you want some awesome spooky times, check out Lazy Masquerade on YouTube! All sorts of chilling audio tales that’ll get your heart pumping & your blood curdled!”

I say thanks again and hang up.

As I make my way out of my office and down the corridor, I brace myself for actually having to knock on doors. I never know exactly what is about to happen.

I can actually smell the sugar coming from door number one…Richard’s door. I knock and hear shuffling around before the door swings open. He stands there in his normal attire, pajamas, and is shoveling a bowl of cereal in his mouth.

“What’s up, Boss?”

He’s the only one who calls me that, but I have never been able to tell if he is serious or just being sarcastic. I ask him what is the best Halloween movie.

“Bordello of Blood is something I would watch for a Halloween movie. It’s a good scare. However if my memory serves me correctly, watching it when I was 11, I was more afraid of the damn Cryptkeeper intro then I was the rest of the movie. Hey, don’t fucking judge me!”

He slams the door right in my face. Well, I guess that’s how this is gonna go.

The next door is Belladonna. All she watches is horror movies so this should be easy for her. The hard part may be getting the answer. I knock on her door and it opens just a few inches. I can see her eyes and hair and not much else. Her cat, Blair, slides out of the door and begins rubbing herself on my legs. The whole situation would be cute if it wasn’t so unsettling. I ask the question.

“Halloween means being scared. But if you’re too scared to try a ouija board at midnight in an abandoned building, just watch a spooky movie. The Conjuring is the best for this, and by that I mean it absolutely gave me nightmares and I’m still a little too scared to watch it again in the dark. Blood and guts all day, but the second ghosts and demons are brought in I’m OUT”

Before I can even process what she has said, Blair slides back into the room and the door closes. Those two are creepy. Spending the night in that room would probably be the scariest thing you could do on Halloween.

I move toward the last room at the end of the hallway. Sighing heavily, I know this could go badly.

As I approach the door, the same door I was trying to beat down just a mere hour or so ago, it opens. Crystal Dawn stands there with a smile.

“If you want my favorite movie for this time of year, that would be Children of the Corn from 1984. When you grow up in the country you learn not to trust the woods or the fields. If you just want a horror show, Showgirls. I know, it’s been said before, but it’s one of the few things they got right in Scream.”

As she closes her door, I can’t help but wonder…how did she even know what I was asking? Are her and The Phantom trading secrets? That wouldn’t surprise me at all.

I sit down in my chair in the screening room. As much grief as my Bunkermates give me, they do know their stuff. Lots of great choices for this Halloween season. I reach over and push play on the remote control and watch as The Texas Chain Saw Massacre begins.

Ahhhh…I love Halloween.

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