WTF?!?! – The Secret of the Sword

will
Will Blanton

So, these chuckle sluts want me to go out of my wheelhouse and review more of what they pick for me, and I was less than a year old when this classic came out. Released 2 months before I was born, March 22nd 1985; this shit storm had John Erwin (Back to the Future), Melendy Britt (Avatar: The Last Airbender), Alan Oppenheimer (Star Trek: TNG and DS9), Linda Gary (TaleSpin), and the late George DiCenzo (Back to the Future). How the fuck could this be on my docket? Oh, I see the connection here. Haim Saban and Shuki Levy created the music for this nostalgic thunder bastard of a cartoon movie. Yes, it’s the same team that brought us the Power Rangers. FUCK YOU, WAYNE!!! Here’s my review of “The Secret of the Sword”.

I was not a huge He-Man/She-Ra fan growing up, as this film was long released before I’d even heard of it. Also, outside of the entire “Power of Grayskull” gimmick and Skeletor, I have no clue what is going on in this movie.  I had never even heard of this until Wayne Camp forced me to watch it. It was created on a $2 Million budget and grossed $6.5 Million. I would have expected more, but the parents of the ungrateful bastards that wanted to watch this were already deeply invested in the monetary value of the toys and comic books that were released well before this film. The film, for the purpose of story continuity, falls within a story line called “The Sword of She-Ra” and the purchase of the ticket to see it came with a eight page comic, recapping the story.

Right at the intro credits, we are met with the names previously mentioned and the horrible music that sounds a lot like a song that would be put into “The Neverending Story.” Then the first scene hits and I already have issues. WHY IS THE MOST POWERFUL BEING IN THE UNIVERSE IN THE KITCHEN COOKING SPICED BREAD?!?! The talking cat is fine, but all of the masculinity of one of the cartoon icons of the 80’s just got shot putted off a damn bridge by being in the kitchen.

(Editor’s note: Will Blanton’s opinions are his and his alone and do not reflect the opinion of The CineMasoCast. All hate mail should be directed toward Mr. Blanton. Thank you.)

He gets a page from the Sorceress to go to Castle Grayskull, go through a door, and bring back someone…but she can’t say who because her powers don’t work outside of the castle. Throughout this dialog, I noticed that the Sorceress has A LOT of reverb in her voice compared to He-Man, and it just grates on my ears. Obviously there’s something I’m missing here, but why the fuck is she dressed like a damn bird? I’m only four minutes and twenty nine seconds in and there’s no amount of Twitch emojis or memes that I can post to show how fucking confused I am right now.

Next scene and some robot fucker is kidnapping a baby, and there’s something that I can’t pass up. They are outside, and there’s enough reverb in it to make it sound like it could be sampled for a EDM track. THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR THIS! Why is the baby being kidnapped to begin with? Some god damned backstory would have been fucking awesome here. It turns out to be a bad dream, kinda like how I’m thinking this is turning out to be for me.

The voice acting, oh fuck where do I start. With the pedigree of these voice actors, one would think that this could be a really good showing of their craft. However, when looking at the wikipedia articles, and IMDB pages, it turned out that this was, for a majority of the cast, their starting gigs. I understand that everyone had to start somewhere. I also understand when recasting is necessary and oh fuck was it necessary. As things progress in life, like technology for example, we too evolve and progress. We get better at our craft as shown by the casts IMDB pages, but this should take the place of the ET carts that were unearthed and buried in it’s place. The voices are horrible, the story is so far unpalatable, and the only redeeming quality, by a fucking long shot, is the art style of the fucking show!

Wait, the name of the damn cat is named Cringer? That explains a fucking lot.

I can’t even get past the first god damned scene without wanting to turn this shit off. The entire “Fate of the World” gimmick is mentioned and believe it or not Cringer (I still am laughing at that name now.) and He-Man meet up for information like it’s the fucking start of a stereotypical D&D Campaign…by going into a fucking pub. As people start running for cover, Beefy McShitstain and his talking cat Cramps walk in. The bartender magically appears out of fucking thin air, and asks if they need anything. Cramps decided to ask for fish and even though he acknowledges that the cat speaks in a confusing voice, I’ve noticed something else about this movie and the show as a whole:

NO FACIAL EXPRESSIONS!

Half of having fucking character development is facial expressions, commonly referred to as “facials”. When you don’t have any facial reactions to dialog, action, tension, FUCKING ANYTHING; it shows little to no fucking life in the character. My ultimate question is: how the fuck did this become popular in the eighties, let alone at ANY POINT IN HUMAN HISTORY!!! My 16 years of being involved with professional wrestling one way or another has taught me that if you can see your face in any shape or form, even under a mask with your mouth exposed, YOU NEED TO EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS!!!  Outside of blinking eyes and moving mouths they are giving us jack shit.

Less than 5% into this movie and I’m on pace on writing a fucking novel, so buckle in.

Flash outside the bar and someone is standing outside with a pistol of some sort. Pulling a gimmick from the Green with Evil review…AN UNNECESSARY SCENE!!! It happened for less than three seconds and ended up adding nothing to the fucking movie. If it was mandatory that that he ends up part of the plot, make it a god damned surprise instead of making this abomination a waste of time. When he ends up being a part of the plot, THERE’S TWO MORE THAT WASN’T SEEN IN THE FUCKING CUT AWAY TO BEGIN WITH!!! They storm the place as a man in a cloak with a thing on his shoulder that’s the test tube child of a bat and The Great Gazoo. (Yes, I had to fucking google search to remind myself of The Great Gazoo. I might not be alone with this reference.) He starts to brandish a bow under the table as the robots decided to yeet the fuck out of some patrons to have a seat of their own. They start a fight with a harp player as they don’t like the song he’s playing and it’s reminding me of the Adam West Batman series, it’s that fucking jokey, and campy. Then after the fight, the cloaked man reveals himself as Bow. YOU GET THE FUCKING JOKE HERE?!?! Bow mentions to He-Man, who introduced himself as Adam, something about “The Great Rebellion”

Hordak is the first villain in the universe that is introduced to us, who is apparently Skeletor’s right hand man, however the conversation appears as such that Hordak doesn’t know about He-Man yet. He-Man and crew come across a “Slave Transporter” in the middle of a forest and this introduces us to Force Captain Adora. She gets a pan up from her feet only for the shot to end up panning so far her head is in the lower third. For. Fucks. Sake. I’m face palming so hard I’m hitting the back of my own skull. For some reason, the heels have a half woman-half scorpion…now I see where the Power Rangers had the inspiration for Scorpina. Now the voice actress for Adora makes her sound like a valley girl with the intent to hurt a fly. The last interesting thing of this particular scene is that there was a beam that kept He-Man from moving. It showed a tight shot on his thighs and legs. Fucking weird. At about this point in time the story is being fleshed out as his sword’s gem is glowing, showing us the person he’s trying to save. It happens to be the valley girl.

Instead of showing us where He-Man is heading to, or where he’s being held, it’s yet ANOTHER UNNECESSARY SCENE as Bow and his forest friends are trying to locate him with magic. It is revealed that they are going to a place called Beast Island and Hordak cuts them off at the pass shooting them out of some mystical flying fucking boat. Not to mention the voice acting is still shit, as Cringer turned into Battle Cat, and yes, it’s still “cringer” as fuck.

This is supposed to be a movie, yet a third of the way through it I just realized they are using the same screen transitions as they do for the television show.

To catch you up to speed, the team gets caught, they are freed, and out of fucking no where, He-Man is rescued by Adora who is now turned into She-Ra. It is revealed that she is his twin sister that was kidnapped by Hordak’s Horde. That explains the dream sequence fifty minutes ago. The sorceress appears, and tells everyone ALL OF THE INFORMATION WE ALREADY PIECED TOGETHER BY THIS POINT!!!

This entire movie is to explain She-Ra’s existence, fill in some gaps with Skeletor’s story, and sell more merchandise that no one has kept over the years. There is nothing about the rest of the movie that I haven’t gone over already, There’s some minor story here and there, but it is nothing but filler to pad the run time. Oddly enough, they have this ENTIRE thing FOR FREE on the “He-Man Official” YouTube channel.

Let’s see here…according to NATOOnline.org (National Association of Theater Owners), the average ticket price for a movie in 1985 was $3.55 and it got $6.5 Million at the box office. That means that 1,830,986 people went to go see this? You are better off getting that comic book, turning around AND GOING THE FUCK HOME!!!

Now that another eighty-one minutes have been wasted, time to go back to the wheel house. Sense there was a Saban connection with his horrible piece of cinema, next will be SENTAI RANGERS, with the Saban original series: “Mystic Knights of Tir Na Nog”

If you think i was a little too harsh on He-Man and She-Ra let me know on twitter, (twitter.com/h2ohappydude) or follow me on Twitch (Twitch.tv/h2ohappydude) and Mixer (Mixer.com/h2ohappydude) and talk to me there!!

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