In My Opinion: Avengers Endgame

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Geoff Harris

Oh snap!!!

Avengers Endgame is the penultimate chapter in the Marvel Cineverse’s damn near twenty-something long narrative. It’s a rocky road. Many highs and a few lows. This is the conclusion to the story started in Infinity War. Thanos has literally killed off half of all living things in the Universe, including Earth. Those left behind do what they can to move forward. Some, like Captain America, find a quiet solace and seek to aid other survivors. Others, like Hawkeye, go full dark side and bury their feelings under a pile of bodies. Ant Man returns from the Quantum Realm with an idea which quickly becomes known as “The Time Heist” and we, the audience, are treated to a two and half hour fuckfest of time travel, fan service, and big, big, Oh My God big action. Now before you start sharpening your knives, let me have my five minutes… I liked the movie as whole. It moves at pretty good pace. Almost everyone gets a moment to shine. (Rocket Raccoon is my spirit animal.) I was totally down with Smart Hulk, and Fat Thor was a hoot. It’s the Mighty Avenging Temporal Rangers I have a bit of a beef about.

Time Travel is a cheap out.

Anyone who has ever tried their hand at writing fiction will eventually give a swing at the ole Fix-By-Numbers known as Time travel. It’s an easy, low-hanging fruit go to trope and very very few actually pull it off, much less manage not to twist their brain into a knot trying to weasel out of the mess they created. Time Travel is a central point to Endgame’s plot. How do you un-dig a hole? Go back and steal the shovel. Of this, Endgame did rather well albeit I enjoyed the bickering debates between characters much more than the chattering of net-nerds everywhere. The Internet, and by extension this current time of tumult, has bred a new generation of entitled intellectuals who think they invented the idea of buttered toast. My argument is how overused Time Travel is to solve unsolvable plot issues not whether it’s a viable trope. Yeah, I saw you reaching for the keyboard…stow it, cowboy. You’ll have your turn.

Time travel doesn’t have any real “rules.” Sorry smart Hulk. It’s a tool with many uses. To argue that someone is “doing it wrong” is paramount to lunacy. (This is one of the  reasons you can’t meet girls.) If Hollywood says that frogs bump their asses when they hop because they don’t have wings, buy the ticket or stay home. I’ll bet you a doughnut the high mucky mucks in the ivory towers don’t give two squirts about your “strongly worded letter” and those death threats are sure to get you the attention you want. It’s a movie! I paid my twelve bucks instead of downloading it illegally because I want them to make more movies. If for no other reason than I can take my turn pissing in the ocean giving my two cents about them.

A lot of people are saying the movie caused them to tear up. Spoiler this, Bat-fan: characters die. It happened. I know I sound heartless but I’ve seen this plot trope played out one too many times. People die. It’s the natural order. I’m not saying don’t feel sad but if you could read some of the fringe bullshit, you’d be begging NASA to build a space ark. Now whether or not we are the ones on it or the fringe being shot into the unknown is subject for debate. Avengers Endgame has its fleas but all in all is not a bad flick.

One last nugget…all that bullshit about Captain Marvel just proves my theory that the authorities need to put Prozac in the drinking water. She’s barely in this movie. She swoops in like a deus ex machina and then out again cause, you know, the Universe is a big place and the Guardians are kinda busy right now. I personally found the character boring. She was woefully underused. Yes, she probably could have ended the movie in twenty minutes. Save that level of ass-kickery for the next Avengers movie. Juiced -up Skrulls are nice but don’t dangle a powerhouse like that and expect me not to yell and point. It’s good for my aging heart.

In conclusion, Time Travel has no rules, characters die, and Captain Marvel needs more screen time.

SNAP!

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