I seriously thought I could get away from crap. With being threatened to be fed to the Cinemaso-zombie, I had 24 hours to write a review on something I removed from my memory for about 20 years. The source materiel has been near and dear to my heart as I was a arcade junkie in high school and play to this very day, as they released their 30th Anniversary collection. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you my “One Episode Review” of Street Fighter: The Animated Series.
By no means is this a tie in to either the video games, or the animated movies. (Steve Blum had 2 roles in both the SFII: The Animated Movie and SF Alpha: The Animation playing 2 completely different roles as T. Hawk and Ken Masters respectively.) The cast listings have no one I can recall. But digging deeper, Scott McNeil who voiced both Ken Masters and Blanka, did work on the 1994 Mega Man series, Dragon Ball Z, Fullmetal Alchemist, Powerpuff Girls AND freaking One Piece. With this kind of pedigree on ONE of the voice actors, this can’t be that bad…right?
The opening already has me super tilted. “Colonel William Guile” was the first thing thing that didn’t get past me. William Guile was the name that the live action movie gave him a year before. The video games NEVER gave him a first name as he was simply called Guile. WHY are you already fucking up my childhood? Even though the story lines have been changed and retconed over the years, GET YOUR SHIT STRAIGHT! This is 1996, not 2018! There hasn’t been enough history to change yet!
So…through the rest of the opening, it is being explained that Guile is using the “Global Tournament Circuit” as a cover to protect top secret “crime fighters” called “Street Fighter”. A singular description is being used for about 8 characters. Gotcha, because you know, “cartoon logic”.
So they announce Guile, Blanka and Chun-Li during the opening and make NO VERBAL MENTION of Ken, Ryu, Fei Long, T. Hawk, Dee Jay, E. Honda, Dhalsim, and Cammy. They are all “a team of the most amazing warriors” to defeat Bison who, according to THIS intro, has super human powers.
Within the first 5 minutes we finally see Guile get some backstory but the part that throws me for a loop was when he was told by his boss, who somehow summoned him via an “SF” logo on a chair someone was going to hit him with, that he had “freelancers available” after getting a assignment of “personal interest”. The freelancers were Ken and Ryu and he facepalmed with extreme disgust. Ryu? A freelancer? He was THE bad ass in the games, and the fucking poster child that every other fighting game franchise decides to rip off, and you are basically calling him the “last resort”? Who ever decided to write them this way can lick a fat chode. Then they cut to a scene where they talk for the first time at 4 and a half minutes into the episode, and I can’t stand this. Why did they decide to make a creative decision to voice Ryu and Ken, the most bad ass and iconic characters in the series, as surfer dudes?
When you have access to voice actors that go on to do work in anime such as Dragon Ball Z, Death Note, InuYasha, Mobile Suit Gundam, My Little Pony, Naruto, Reboot and fucking Rugrats; you decide to punt their career by giving them roles that NO ONE WOULD REMEMBER! It appears that you gave them no direction, and little to no time to prepare as it has got to be the absolute worst thing I’ve willingly laid my eyes upon sense my Power Rangers review. Being a 90’s kid I was rich in cartoons, but if it wasn’t on Nickelodeon it was a proven fact that it was going to suck and fucking fail. Going back to watch this was a waste of time, and I was happy looking back and loving it for what it was in the 90’s but fuck me running sideways if my children ever had the thought on watching this while stumbling across YouTube.
For the first time, I have found the one show I can’t finish. Even from the opening cinematic I went into straight fucking tilt mode, but the surfer dudes have officially made me phone it in only a quarter of the way through the episode. I’m quite fucking shocked that I made it through as much as I did. Shitty voice acting, shitty writing, every single fucking scene is making me ask “Why?” and “How?” with no kind of filler even explaining why Bison killed Chun-Li’s father. For a 90’s show, saying anything about death is just a mind fuck in itself being a 11 year old. Even Power Rangers would always use the word “destroy” when talking about killing the teenagers. I would rather have a bikini wax with a cheese grater than fucking watch the rest of this. AND SOMEHOW IT MADE 2 FUCKING SEASONS?!?!
According to the Wiki page, because it’s the only remaining thing on the internet on this series that won’t make me puke, it comes in at 26 episodes). Somehow, that is more episodes than both Mortal Kombat: Defenders of the Realm (USA Network, 1996, 13 episodes) AND Darkstalkers (Syndication, 1995, 13 episodes)…and before you say a word about reviewing yet another fighting game cartoon show, you will have to fucking pay me to do it. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired of shitty show after shitty show.
My next review, I will choose what the fuck to watch. Something I loved as a kid and still catch myself watching on YouTube.
Next time on WTF?!?!…
Legends of the Hidden Temple.
Fuck you, Wayne.