WTF?!?! – Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: Green With Evil (Episode 3)

Will Blanton

Welp…this is interesting. I sat down for another torture session and lo and behold…my DVD auto skipped me directly to chapter 3 after freezing up in the fight scene in the love dungeon. Something tells me that I didn’t miss much. HOWEVER…I’m still paused at the 5 minute mark to allow me to type this up. Just remember “It’s not bitching, it’s complaining with passion.”

So, the chapter opens up to Bulk and Skull, aka Fat Man and Slick Back (His hair people, fuck the racist jokes.), harassing Kimberly and offering their services with kisses, which she tells them to fuck off in the only way a lipstick lesbian can…WITH AN EYE ROLL! Since they are offering services with her kisses, does that make them hookers and Kim the client? Anyway, she finally says yes then side steps Skull and he winds up kissing Bulk. High school humor at it’s “finest”. She then runs into Tommy, who is the only one in recent history to top my “Douche Meter.” Her and Zack run out to meet him in the park to see exactly what’s going on. As they catch up to him, a Puddy fight breaks out, and about 30 seconds into the fight they all disappear.


Goldar and Jason are once again fighting as I once again wonder exactly where the morpher is. The Green Ranger shows up and wants to be the one to kill Jason. After one kick, Jason is looking worried as he’s flat on his back.


Jason has his morpher in hand. Which still asks the question: WHERE THE FUCK WAS IT THE ENTIRE TIME?!?!

They introduce a new baddie at the Moon Base named Scor-penis. What?!?! Sorry, Scorpina. I’ve got the brain of a 14 year old, excuse me for the minor dick joke. Basically, an UNNECESSARY CUT AWAY!

Back at the command center, the rest of the Rangers are hovering around Alpha trying to get Jason back via tracking his wrist communicator. I guess there’s enough power at the center to put the communicators back online. It might have been in the part I missed due to a glitchy DVD. Right as Tommy gets the Dragon Dagger to kill Jason, they get him out of there just in time. This ends with a hologram of Goldar chewing Tommy a new ass.

Back at the command tower, Scorpe…na is causing hell and they morph to beat her ass. Now she’s obviously in the Sentai footage speaking English AND she’s dubbed over, which is really stupid. Almost as stupid as Rita saying she’s going to cause a solar eclipse to power down the MegaZord. How the hell does she know that? It’s not common knowledge to the fans, so how the fuck did she know? Did she help build it? Did she get the blueprints from the command center when the Green Ranger went in to fuck shit up? The world may never know.

Rita then makes Goldar into a bigger asshole without pants, and he goes and fucks up Angel Grove. I am seriously wondering how much property damage the Rangers are the reason behind. As they realize that they have no choice but to walk obviously into a trap, the dreaded TO BE CONTINUED pops up and ends another episode.

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